Ramble Redhead Blog

I left today to go to a sales meeting in Niagara Falls and it started out ok - made it to the airport with no issues - easily checked in and had a quick lunch and made my way to my gate at 130pm to Detroit then to Buffalo, NY. 

The weird thing was that as I had walked into the airport - there was a sign about missles and how they can hit planes and I was like wow what a happy thought.  Once I made it through security I sit down and wait for the flight to be called and I look up at the monitors to see they ran a commercial for a 9-11 commerative bill or coin and I am thinking what are the odds?

The first flight was quick and easy but then the flight from Detroit to Buffalo was another story.  I had only 15 minutes to get from the C gate to the A gate and so I had my exercise of the day and I was sweating like a pig and thought for sure that it would be filled and I would have no room for my stuff.  I walked right up to the line and handed my boarding pass and the lady said hello and took my ticket and I walked on seeing the line down the hallway and was bummed but when I made it to the plane it was nearly empty.  I made it to my seat and was trying to cool off as the others boarded.  

We were supposed to take off at 330pm but there was some problem with a part overheating and of course that always sounds good right?  We had started to leave the gate and I thought we would have to go back and in order to change the part of have us changed planes.  It took forever so I was listening to podcast and laughing my ass off as I listened to Wes from the Live it Up podcast - he was so funny.  Finally they said we were leaving. 

Once we made it Buffalo, the manager of the Canadian group came to pick us up and then we were dropped off at this bar to wait for the other guy who had a delay on his flight so we arrived at 4 something and his flight wasnt arriving til 7 so waiting was so much fun.  Finally we were able to pick him up and made the 25 minute drive to the hotel and it took forever!!! We reached the border and it was like a parking lot and it took at least an hour to get thru - the guy at the border just looked briefly at the passports and that was it then about 10 minutes later I had to pee and thought oh no problem it will be just a few minutes then I hear the manager go I don’t how to get there and I am like what?  I tried not to think about it but then it got worse and worse and I was in pain and of course he hit every pot hole on the road and that really helped.  I am in the van with 8 guys and I finally asked him how much farther do we have to go and he says about 5 minutes and I said can you please stop so I can go and he said we are almost there and then finally we saw the hotel and I didnt even get my bags - just ran in and found the bathroom - I think if he had been one minute later I would have pissed my pants and the funny thing when I was finally in the bathroom for a second I couldnt even go then finally the niagara falls of my bladder kicked in.  We went to this italian place for dinner and it is almost midnight and I hope I can get to sleep.

little voices keep talking to me

telling my heart the way it should be

wanting every thing to be ok

never mind what my mind might say

—-

you can find love

you can hold it so close

but your eyes wont see

when it matters the most

—

little voices keep calling out

fill your mind with doubt

but when they go away

listen to what your heart might say

—

do you love him

does he make you complete

does he make your mind wonder

then nothing can be beat

but those little voices

keep bringing up the past

wondering if this love

will finally last

When I was a kid and realized I was gay

I was scared and filled with fear

would I ever find love?

even when I didn’t love myself

Maybe tomorrow

——

I was taunted and teased in junior high and high school

three people stood out to make my life hell

would it ever end?

Maybe tomorrow

——–

I met my first love who made me whole

he told me I was beauiftul

will I believe those words?

Maybe tomorrow

——–

I loved him with all of my heart

and would tell him when I could

would it last for a lifetime?

Maybe tomorow

—-

His mother didn’t like me at first

but I was determine to win her over

would it work?

Maybe tomorrow

—-

He would hold me and tell it would be ok

when the world seemed to close around me

would he still love me

Maybe tomorrow

—

Years went by and I felt lost in the silence

as we both said goodbye to his mom

would this pain ever stop?

Maybe tomorrow

—-

Our love ended after thirteen years

longer than many others

will I ever find love again?

Maybe tomorrow

—

18 months went by and I was alone

then I met my Joe in that bar

will he ask me out for a date?

Maybe tomorrow

—-

I love him with all of my heart

and one day soon I want to marry him

show him and the world he is the one I cherish

Maybe tomorrow

light my candle

sit by my side

let’s talk for a moment

no reason to hide

—-

sure we all have our demons

and how we deal with them

we have to let them go

or they will settle in

just let them go

just let them go

I will listen to you

as you listen to me

—-

that is what friends are for

to help to work it out

to be there for each other

there is never a doubt

—-

it is getting late

sadly you have to go

but before you do

something for you to know

—-

so blow out the candle

give me a hug goodbye

I will always be here for you

no matter how or why

little things that rush out

are just like me

i was born premature

guess i was impatiently in the womb as well

-

little things remind me of being a child

looking up at everything that walked by

the smiles that stranger gave me

as they tempted to grab my cheeks

the red hair caught them

as if to grab them

but the shy kid in me grabbed my mother’s leg

like a wounded puppy accidentally stepped on

Quotes like “Did he get that red hair from his daddy?”

or as an adult “are your pubes red too?”

fill the air and make me sigh

I would grab items i know I shouldnt with glee

only to hear those screams Noooooooo!!

I am older and taller now

I am the one who reach the sky with my head

as the child stares up to me

I smile and try not ask

the color of daddy’s hair

I just take their picture lol

I used to write poems and so it has been too long since I wrote one so I thought I would write one now and would love to get your feedback.

the night light in the bedroom

keeps flicking off and on

it won’t let my mind go asleep

the random thoughts keeping going strong

———————

the sheep are getting counted

but then i lose my place

i keep thinking about you

and your handsome face

————————

wish i could hold you

but your miles away

at least we talk on the phone

I can hear what you say

———————–

Night my love

I hug my pillow tight

wishing it was you

and feeling your warmth

The month of June is pride month and of course the last weekend will be the pride parade in Chicago.  Joe and I plan on attending and hope it will be a good time.  For some they don’t celebrate pride by attending events since it is too crowded or filled with drunks etc but I go for another reason for the younger gay person who has yet to come out or feels they are the only one who thnks they are gay.  I was like that person many years ago and I remember the pride I felt as my ex and I walked from the train to watch my very first pride parade in Chicago.  The streets were filled with people of all ages and sizes and color and I loved it.  I clearly remember seeing the two lesbians showing off their breasts, the two hunky men holding hands as they walked in front of me to the two bears hugging on the side street kissing and I thought it was great.

The part that moves me to tears are the PFLAG people and gay military members - each means something different to me - the PFLAG people are the very proud parents and friends of the GLBT community and when I saw the I love my gay son signs I cried.  I can only wish that my folks, my friends would do the same for me but they aren’t the demonstration type like these people.  The other group - my military cohorts - who many were kicked out of the military for simply being gay affect me as well.  I was a proud member of the Air Force Reserves for 21.5 years and I will never forget the feelings I had while serving and how I had to hide who I was.

Many years have gone by and in many ways things have changed for the better but we still have so far to go.  I just wish my GLBT friends all over the world will stand up for what they believe and be heard and I want to encourage my straight people who read this to do the same - be vocal and be by our side - we need you - we love you and we are filled with pride because of you!

I received this in an email from Rich Merritt’s Yahoo group and thought it was very fitting for this weekend:

As we approach this Memorial Day weekend and take account of those brothers and sisters from our community and all who have served that did not come home I just want to say to them “Thank you”!

I also wanted to wish you all a safe and wonderful weekend. In my life time I have seen the Vietnam War, many other conflicts and the AIDS Crisis take a large tool on our community. I have so many memories of friends who served that we buried and many who served and succumbed to AIDS as well.

In taking some time of reflection, it also angers me that our ‘official’ value to our country continues to less than that of high school dropout felons who serve as an alternative to jail. “Freedom and justice for all” unless your homosexual. Do not dare marry your loved one, because you may very well be court marshaled and discharged. What ever happened to our founding fathers declaration:

IN CONGRESS, JULY 4, 1776

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness”

~John Hancock

Ok I admit it - I did cave into the peer pressure and bought a flip camera and other cool toys that go with it from Amazon on May 15th and was told it would arrive May 24th. So I patiently waited the long time to get it and kept telling Joe to keep an eye out for it and nothing. I went to the site and checked the ordered and was shocked to see that it showed it was delivered on May 22nd. So I called Amazon and have to give them credit - they had this service where you type in your phone number and they immediately call you and in 20 seconds I was talking with someone. I told them what happened and they said to wait til today and they would replace the order if needed. I was really excited about playing with my new toy and kept an eye out for the mailman. I finally see the guy and I run over to see him and he said he had nothing for me and that he left a package in my front door the other day. I was so bummed and so I called Amazon and they said they will send a replacement right away so I am happy but sad that I have to wait again.

What has this taught me - have everything shipped to my P.O. Box from now on!