Ramble Redhead Blog

February 14th, 2008

My Dad

Posted by admin in dad, golf, steve martin

Since I do so much traveling for my job and driving all of those miles before podcasting came into my life I would listen to books on tape or cd and that would keep me entertained since I was so sick of the radio. Since then I have been addicted to podcasting and at anytime I have over 500 episodes on my ipod trying to get through them all. Recently I heard that Steve Martin has written a new book about his career doing stand up comedy and since I have always enjoyed his work and read many reviews talking about the book I thought I would give it a try. The next day I went to library to see the book on the shelf and was getting ready to check it out when I found it on cd. I put the first cd in and began and while I was listening Steve was telling about his growing up with his parents and how distant his father was to him as a child. In one segment he wrote about when he was eight and how his dad asked him to go into the backyard and throw the baseball back and forth and he commented that this was so foreign to him that he didn’t know how to react.

As I heard his words and it began to make me think about how things were with my own father and I had similar things happen to me. I was the youngest and always wanted to have that kind of relationship with my dad – at that point I didn’t care what it was – anything. My father was the oldest of ten children and his father was never there for them and his parents had divorced when he was almost finished with high school. He never had so I guess he didn’t know how to do it for me. Looking back at that time, I was the fourteen year old shy kid who simply wanted his father love and support and it only made me feel worse then I already did. I had feelings I was gay then and had some questions and felt I had no one to turn to and so felt very alone and afraid.

I can recall the one time my friends and I had started to play golf and I really enjoyed it – never was any good but for us that didn’t matter. We would do the best we could and enjoy being together. So one weekend, my mom and my sister was going to be gone and that left my dad and I together. I asked him if he would like to go and he said no but being the kid that I was I nagged and nagged and finally pissed him off enough that he agreed to go and I regretted every second of that day. He and I played with a distant silence and often he talked kindly to strangers than to his own son – the one that looked like him each day. The only time he laughed with me was on the 10th hole and we played at this course that had open fairways with very little trees and I can still remember the warm breeze as it hit my legs. We approached that hole and on the right side was a huge sign that they must use for tournaments. In the middle of this sign there was a very small window and I joked with my dad – wouldn’t that be funny if I hit the small window and my father chuckled for a second and then told me hit the ball and so I did. The ball curved to the right and next thing I knew I heard the glass breaking and my father laughing out loud and screaming “I will be damned” and “Will you look at that?” and at first I thought he was going to be mad but he didn’t and said we will let them know at the club house when we are done.

After that long day, I never asked my father to go again and there are times when I see movies, tv shows that show the dad being there for the kid I get jealous. It still haunts me now and then and felt I had to share with you. I can say things are better with my dad but there is so much more we need to go and hope we can do it before it is too late.